Language of Feelings

I was told that I should be writing about my feelings. I try to do that, but I was also told that I should do that in my native language. I just can't. SHE said, that I'm trying to hide behind the language. By writing in English, I can hide my true feelings. SHE is right. It is too painfull to write in my own language.

SHE also assured that there is nothing wrong or twisted about me. That I am important just as who I am. And I'm worth something for just being me.

SHE said that because when I was little and my father abandoned me, I project those feelings of sorrow and loneliness to all rejections I face today. SHE might be right. HE pushes me towards to light and backs me up when I'm too tired. He is something more, but in a different way. In a way that is something to trust.

I just feel sick. Inside and outside.

I hate being right

No one seemed to notice that I left the party yesterday. I hate myself for doing this to me. I could've just said goodbyes and get home. But no. I have to sneak out and wish that someone cares enough to send me a SMS saying "Where are you?".

I'm afraid that my friends are so tired of me. That's why they don't care. I wish I could turn myself off. Just get through day by day. But inside, off.

Total fake

I felt like a total fake today. It took almost two hours for me to wake up. Maybe the pill I took really helped me to sleep. I couldn't see clearly first and felt like shit. All the time, I kept thinking that I need to really get up and get dressed and put on makeup and get going. A friend of mine was having a party before getting married. I had fun, I think. After a long day, we went to a birthday party.

I just kept feeling like a fake. I smiled, hugged people, said hi to everyone. I kept telling that we had a great day. We did have a great day. I just felt all the time that I was a bit off. All the other girls were drinking and getting into mood having fun. Because of the pills, I can't drink. Well I could, but then I can't really take one before going to bed.

We were sitting around a table and talking. I smiled, laughed, tried to be fun to be around. Then, suddenly, I just had enough. I went outside for a smoke. When I got back at the table, I couldn't see my place anymore. The others had moved that my place was gone. I know that they would've made room for me. But I just felt this sting at my heart and thought "well they don't want me there". How dumb is that?

I left home. Didn't tell anyone. Somehow I hope someone would send me a SMS or try to call me. But I know they did not even notice that I left.

I feel like a fake, cause I pretend that I'm having the time of my life. And inside, I'm crying. Inside, dying slowly.

Distorted vision

I look at myself differently then others. I see myself as a burden and as a failure. Like Placebo says, "tragic waste of skin". When I look at my face from the mirror, I cannot just see the outside. I see all the pain and dark thoughts and confusion and rejection that's inside me. Sometimes I just feel that it is better to sleep away or just turn myself off for awhile. Am I thinking about committing a suicide? No. For me, killing oneself just proves that one truly is a burden. I don't want that my close ones have to live the rest of their lives thinking me and what did I do to myself. I'd rather talk to them about it.

I've been described some pills to help me sleep. I am afraid to take them, because I actually did read the instruction paper inside the box. I just want to sleep in peace. I don't want to hallucinate or suffer from amnesia or get all fucked up. Yesterday I took the first pill. I did make me feel drowsy pretty fast, but I did not fall asleep any faster. The bad thoughts stayed away though. A dear friend of mine came over to be with me until I fell asleep. He wanted me to feel safe. And I did.

I still cry in the morning. I cry when I write this text. I don't understand where do all these tears come from. What if I run out of tears?

Sad but true

I have always considered myself as a happy and an optimistic person. Fun to be around, trustworthy, someone you just love. But as the summer fades and fall sets in, I need to accept that I'm not. I'm broken inside, and I do not know what can I do to fix myself.

Somehow I know that there are people that will do everything for me. So why do I feel so lonely? Why do I say to myself that no one cares? Even if someone stays awake all night just to talk to me? Just to keep me alive?

I guess this is not going to be the happiest blog. Maybe one day. I hope this is one of the tools I need to fix myself.